In past Christmas shopping seasons, "point and click" was what you did after emptying your forty-five magnum during a dispute over a prime parking space outside Sears Roebuck. These days it is a more benign activity involving home computers, Internet connections, credit cards and an encryption technology that sets the National Security Council's teeth on edge.

Parking woes are not the only problem you solve by accessing the on-line cyber-mart. Gone are the days of standing hour upon hour in line only to be greeted by a surly sales clerk who immediately calls for a price check on every item in your cart. No longer do you have to run store to store trying to find the hottest toy in existence since Halloween. And will you miss wrestling with shopping carts that pull to the left and announce your approach with the same fwap-fwap-fwap as a railroad boxcar with flat spots on it's wheels? (In truth this last item may be a mixed blessing and when possible I actually seek out the noisier shopping carts and wish everyone else did. A continuous raucous sound announcing the approach of fellow shoppers should reduce the necessity of exchanges such as, "Hey, buddy, you wanna get your fat meandering daydreaming ass out of the middle of the candy aisle so somebody else can get near the goods?" I, for one, hear that kind of remark way more than I'd like and think retailers should rig noisemakers to every cart as a way to cut down on holiday violence.)

"Everything from the mundane to the weird to the clearly illegal . . ."

If the gurus on Wall Street are to be believed, Internet holiday shopping this year is going to increase approximately seventeen thousand percent to a respectable 950 quintillion lira. (I have no idea what that is in American money but I'll bet it's a lot). The advantages listed above are not the only reason shoppers are rushing to stay at home and let their virtual rodent (mouse) run wild. It is the amazing variety of goods that are readily available via the Internet that is making it such a success story. Everything from the mundane to the weird to the clearly illegal has been packaged and awaits only your electronic commands which will send Fed Ex, UPS, and every other sweat shop delivery company into a frenzy of swooping up and delivering, sometimes both in the same day. It is with these thoughts in mind that I present you with :

Did you know you can send a gift of booze to any spot in the world? There is a planet-wide network of affiliate liquor stores that take orders from a central site, just as FTD is a clearing-house for floral orders, and will instantly whisk your gift of spirits to your favorite connoisseur, dipsomaniac, or college dorm. This site is located at http://www.sendliquor.com/. Those whose teenagers have Internet access will be glad to know that youngsters are unable to use this site because it states right at the end of the order blank . . . "Minors are forbidden by law to send or receive alcoholic beverages." That certainly sets my mind at ease.
The Webmaster enjoys Miller High Life - "The Champagne of Bottle Beer" (in cans) and almost any kind of wine that has a spigot in the side of it's box.

Other sites reachable through links from here are http://sendbagels.com/, http://www.sendleis.com/, and the one I will be using a lot - http://www.sendsalmon.com/.

Gifts that keep on giving - Exotic Pets

At http://www.canadamalls.com/exotic.html you can find the generic, run of the mill animals you typically give as gifts, such as Arabian horses or big horned mountain goats, but imagine the surprise and excitement you can generate with an entire herd of Welsh Highland Sheep or, my personal favorite, an Albino Camel. Why a camel, you ask? It's true, my two Rottweilers do a good job of keeping the neighbors at bay by slobbering and drooling all over anyone silly enough to get close to them, but imagine having a pet that can spit up to twenty yards with unerring accuracy.

Now that's entertainment!

Correction:

In the September issue of the Organizer, in an article titled "Buying the Perfect Labor Day Gift for your Webmaster," we mistakenly extolled the virtues of a retail outlet in Portage, Indiana for its unique product mix of "Waterbeds and Croutons." It was brought to our attention in a recent lawsuit that what is actually written on their huge sign is "Waterbeds and Futons." For safety reasons, and before anybody else makes the same unfortunate mistake as one reader (aka "the plaintiff"), we must emphasize that futons are not nearly so edible as croutons. Futons are, in fact, large padded cylindrical objects used by Oriental drum majors and majorettes as props which aid in keeping time to marching music. Due to the dexterity and strength required to twirl futons, those adept at it have become sexual fantasy figures in the Far East, just as gymnasts and millwrights are in the Near West. We are sorry if this factual error has caused you any inconvenience or medical problems.